Hi again – hope life’s treating you well…
I wrote a few months ago that praise, used wrongly, can cause major problems when dealing with kids’ problem behaviour – in fact it can cause issues that can be very difficult to sort out. Like many other things in the world of managing children’s behaviour the secret is learning to use praise properly… not a difficult task. In fact it’s surprisingly easy…
Anyway, back to the other aspect of using praise, or in this case, not using it at all – this is with a child who’s behaviour is causing problems. And why? Well, the adults have firmly convinced themselves that the whole process of praising or acknowledging a child’s efforts is a total waste of time.
They really believe that because the child doesn’t jump up and down with joy, or his behaviour doesn’t suddenly change for the better, then somehow they don’t appreciate the fact that someone’s noticed their efforts… I’m also told that the child actually reacts negatively when given praise… ‘He screwed up his work’, ‘He swore at me’, ‘He stormed out of the room’, and other reactions one wouldn’t equate with someone being happy about what they’re being offered.
Why would a child react in such a way? Well, that’s down to the fact that praise isn’t being used in a constructive way – it’s not being used in combination with setting limits and boundaries on the child’s behaviour.
So, what am I saying? Praise is negative, praise in positive, which is true?
Fact – praise being used without setting consistent limits and boundaries on kids’ behaviour is self defeating. You end up in the give, give, give situation, with nothing happening that should be imparting the message that certain behaviours won’t be tolerated – as in the article you can link to at the top of this page.
Fact – praise used properly is a totally essential and powerful tool in dealing with children’s behaviour – especially in preventing bad behaviour.
So where does the idea come from that kids don’t like praise?
Well, the kids usually being referred to are the grumpy little articles that firmly believe they can’t do anything much that’s right to please the adults. And believe me, even when a child has been allowed to behave appallingly, they really do want to do well and please the adults in their life. I know, it’s hard to believe at times (well, most of the time in some cases!), but nevertheless it’s true.
But, these kids have confidence running at rock bottom. They’re on the defensive. They have lost the plot and don’t know how to get things right. They only hear negatives – in fact when their efforts aren’t being acknowledged that’s pretty much all they hear! Life’s got pretty unpleasant for these kids… They’re not in a very happy place.
Oh, I can hear you say, ‘Well, there’s nothing to praise!’ FIND SOMETHING. You have to address low level unacceptable behaviour to prevent behaviour problems and you also have to address low level good behaviour to build confidence and reinforce where your limits and boundaries are.
So am I saying they do like praise? Yes, I am. But they don’t trust it. They’re waiting for the inevitable negative… Being appreciated (and also being told when things aren’t acceptable!) takes some getting used to.
Remember, kids can’t change their behaviour unless the adults change theirs. It can’t happen. They don’t know what to do – they haven’t the emotional maturity to do anything about the awful situation their behaviour has landed them in.
So, sorry adults, it’s down to you…. Come on, you can do it, it’s not difficult!!
Getting used to hearing and accepting praise takes some getting used to for the kids… Learning to give it properly and at appropriate times takes some getting used to for the adults too. Very often, the adults don’t realise how negative they’ve become. It’s understandable but it doesn’t get anyone anywhere that they want to be.
More to think about. Cheers, Liz Marsden @ Behaviourbible.