Hi there
I wrote recently about an extreme case where I’m taking back control of a child who’s been ‘out of control’ for years.
I thought it might be important to hear about what can happen when you’re in this situation (hopefully not as extreme!!). You’re using the correct behaviour management strategies, you’re seeing some success, but then you hit another problem – a different level of unacceptable behaviour. This can lead people to believe they’re not getting anywhere, the strategies aren’t working and all is lost. That’s understandable but not correct.
Let me give you a recent example…
I’ve got an 8 year old whose behaviour in school has been totally appalling for quite a long time – since he started school in fact. And before that at home. He’s been the centre of the universe in his home and treated like royalty with no demands made of him to behave in an acceptable way. No wonder he’s grown up thinking he rules the world!!
Anyway, he came into my group about 3 months ago and while there he’s, on the whole, been ok. The reason for this is simple – I don’t allow the behaviour to take hold. I deal with things straight away at a very low level. It’s rare for anything to escalate. The link above takes you to a rare case where things have escalated and how it’s being managed, but this little guy doesn’t come into this league. He’s a pain in the neck at times – he’s still very egocentric like a toddler – but he doesn’t present any real problems.
His previous behaviour in school was appalling. Violence to adults and children was common place and a daily occurrence. He defied instructions, was rude and confrontational every hour of every day. Extremely wearing and very unpleasant! I’ve had teachers say to me that they’re relieved when some kids are off school because they’re ill! I know that’s unprofessional but it’s very understandable, isn’t it?
So what’s he like at school now? Well, a lot better. He’s no longer violent and aggressive. He actually sits and works in class now without the levels of disruption seen previously. He still can’t be trusted around other children because he’ll push them around and nip them when he thinks nobody’s watching. A right little charmer!
The adults in this school have been great - they’ve listened and taken advice and done their best to put it into action – you can get the same guidance from Behaviour Bible. That’s why they’ve seen improvements. They’ve made big strides in taking control away from this child and asserting adult authority. But is he happy about it? NO, he most definitely isn’t happy about it…
Hence, the reason for this article.
What’s happened? Well, his behaviour has changed. He’s still trying to assert his control, but at a lower level of unacceptable behaviour. For example, he was being a nuisance in class recently and was taken out to another room. Previously, this would have led to a major tantrum and a full scale incident. So, an improvement there because he did as he was told.
What did he do instead? He was told to sit on a chair. He did that. But, in an attempt to assert his will and try and regain some control he started to make silly noises. At first when he was told to stop he did. Briefly. Then he started again, louder this time. Why? Simply to remind the world (and himself!) that he could still try and exert some control.
Babyish? Of course… Pointless? Undoubtedly… But at this stage, necessary for him to go through. Control is still important to him. This behaviour is nowhere near the previous levels but exceedingly annoying and frustrating. And it’s easy for teachers to think at this point that they’re getting nowhere - but they are.
So what to do about it. Tell him there will be a consequence if he makes one more noise. And mean it. Carry it through even if it means inconveniencing yourself. Effective behaviour management quite often results in you being inconvenienced in the short term. But if you don’t learn how to deal with children’s problem behaviour you’ll waste a great deal more time in the long term…
Don’t think you’re getting nowhere. Sometimes you have to look back weeks or even months to realise how far you’ve progressed. Work through it. Keep using the strategies. They work. But remember, it’s so much better not to allow the bad behaviour to become established in the first place. That’s where the real skill and success lies.
Cheers for now. Liz Marsden @ Behaviour Bible.